Tired

It's been really hard having a real job. It seems like no matter how much I work, there is always more that I need to be doing. What I have done is not enough, there are more papers to grade, more lessons to plan, more students to help, more parents to respond to. I feel very, very tired.

I feel as though there isn't time to take care of our home. On the weekends I make some progress towards cleaning, neatening, putting away, and then during the week chaos creeps back in again. We were out of milk for 5 days last week before I finally made it to the store. We only have moldy bread this week. There are left overs that have been in the fridge needing to be thrown out for three weeks. Ew. This is not the sort of Queen of the Castle I intended to be.

We've been married for two and a half months and only today did I finally take the time to sit down and begin writing cards, thanking people for celebrating us at our wedding. Most nights when D and I get home, we are so tired we sort of just look at each other. This week, we've both been struggling with trying to understand what it is God wants us to be doing in our jobs. Are we really making impact for his Kingdom where we are?

Oh, how I need grace. I need to remember that God has blessed me, richly, abundantly, generously. His gifts flow out every day and a lot of times I barely notice them, I'm so concerned about all of my problems. I don't think I'm a good English teacher because I don't know what I'm doing, but his grace is sufficient for me. I don't think I'm a kind person to my students when I'm frustrated, but God is working in me to make me more like Christ. I spend a lot of time worrying, and not much time praying.

The fall is coming. The weather will turn cool, then cold. Growth that was new in the spring will turn brown and die, waiting for the renewal of spring. This season in my life, I need to let some parts of me die so that God can move in and clear away the debris, making my heart fertile and new again. I need to clear away the idea that I can do everything on my own, be SuperTeacher, SuperWife, SuperWoman. I am not Super. But I am the child of the Almighty, and in his power I can teach, in his power I can love my husband, in his power I can be the woman he has made me. My identity is not in how well my students learn, how long the toilet goes without a cleaning, how perfectly I fold the laundry. My identity is in Christ and nothing will change that.